No. It is not you, honey. I am not complaining and you shouldn’t be either. So, who is it? I don’t know if other families are like ours. Everything changes after we have kids. Our eyes no longer rest on each other, but on the little people we have.
I am not a good mom because I have preference and I don’t act fairly. My son likes to say that it is unfair. Life is never fair. I will try to change myself to make it fairer. I cannot remember how much joy I have when my son was born and watching him growing up. When the 2nd baby came, I think that the world changed as it no long revolves around him. There is another person coming to divide up the love and fight for the attention.
His sister is so different from him. She likes to sit on my lap, asking me to read books to her. She constantly reminds me that she loves me. She always wants hugs from me. Every day, she has so much to talk to me, like a chatterbox that never shuts. Even when she is playing, she would always find me and snug with me or talk to me before she runs back to play again, just to make sure that I am not being left out or being left alone. She likes socializing with people. She has a pair of big eyes that watch people attentively. She is affectionate and silly. She is so cute. She is a girl with all the attributes a little girl would have. She is a ring leader of her class, but also an imitated teacher, scolding her classmates for misbehaving. There is so much about her that warms my heart and lights up my day. I know that I don’t play fair because she is very good at manipulating me and playing innocence. Yes, I can tell all her tricks but choose to ignore because her charm is hard to resist, and because she is tiny and cute, like a baby doll.
I feel sorry for my son. I can tell that he is seeking my attention, trying so hard to show me that he loves me a lot.
I know you do. I know your sister’s preference is her dad and I am placed 2nd in her heart or maybe 3rd because you are in reality her number one preference. Whenever your sister says that she loves her dad, you would quickly follow by saying that you love me. It is nice to hear that. Really nice. I do love you. The other day when I complained about not able to eat your sister’s ice cream because of her cold, you quickly offered me yours. It is such a nice gesture. I really like that. You are truly sweet and considerate though at times you struggle in revealing your inner feeling. I do love you even though I side with your sister most of the time. Maybe I was wrong to ask too much of you, to take you as a big, mature boy when in reality you are just a little boy.
I know that you are different from your sister. She is a chatterbox and very expressive but you don’t like to talk much. You like to play alone ever since you were a baby. You don’t ask for help. You always try to resolve everything by yourself. You have trouble socializing with people and communicating with them. That is just your personality. I am not perfect either and I don’t act fairly. I will try my best to work with you. You are equally important to me as your sister does and I love both of you in different ways.
This journal has certainly turned out to be different from what I initially intended to write. How minds wander and how hard it is to write this. Hopefully the next time I read it, I will have less guilt as a mom. By the way, it is hard to be guilt free as my guilt multiplies with my kids' age.